Something in English / og noget på Dansk

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter
evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly
at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably
for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with
no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as
the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -
"They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little oldman finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,
"Ma'am,  why aren't you eating.
You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?

She answered:
"THE TEETH"

An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
 
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
 
They reached the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
 
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free, every day...."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
 
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your cotton picken bran flakes.
 
We could have been here 10 years ago!"

Morris and Esther

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say:'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied:'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
 
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said: 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied:'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
 
The pilot overheard the couple and said:
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
 
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.
 
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said: 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
 
Morris replied: 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know,

 

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Romantic mood

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

This is a thought-provoking, one minute clip. Full of wisdom. It's not a joke, it's not religious, and it's not political. It's just . . . special. I think you'll agree.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=medium

3 gamle bedstemødre sad på en bænk foran et plejehjem,
da en gammel bedstefar kom gående forbi.

Den ene gamle dame råbte: "Vi vil vædde på at vi kan gætte din nøjagtige alder."
Den gamle mand sagde: " Det kan ikke lade sig gøre at gætte min alder I gamle fjolser."
Den ene gamle dame sagde: " Selvfølgelig kan vi det. Bare smid bukserne - også underbukserne - så skal vi sige din nøjagtige alder."
Manden blev en smule flov, men ivrig efter at bevise at det ikke kunne lade sig gøre, smed han bukserne.
Damerne bad ham først om at dreje rundt et par gange, og herefter hoppe op og ned adskillige gange.
Dernæst skræppede de alle op: "Du er 87 år gammel"
Stående med bukserne nede om anklerne spurgte den ældre herre: "Hvordan kunne I gætte det?"
Damerne slog sig grinende på lårene da de samstemmende råbte - -
"Vi var med til din fødselsdag i går!"

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife  that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.  Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,  Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch  and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,  'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.  After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.  Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns,  until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.  Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris,
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ..

Judy got married and had 13 children.  Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried, and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"   Margaret replied..........

I think he means her LEGS!!!

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids

Folk som arbejder spørger tit folk som er gået på pension hvad de får tiden til at gå med.  Ok tag nu forleden dag da tog min kone og jeg ind til byen og gik ind og handlede i en butik. Vi var der kun i fem minutter, og da vi kom ud var en betjent ved at skrive en parkeringsbøde.  Vi gik hen til ham og sagde ”Hej du hvad med at vise hensyn, og give et par pensionister en chance”

Han ignorerede os og forsatte med at skrive bøden. Jeg kaldte ham et Nazi svin. Han stirrede på mig og startede med at skrive en ny bøde for at have nedslidte dæk.  Min kone kaldte ham for et hundehoved. Han skrev den anden bøde færdig og satte den under vinduesviskeren sammen med den første.  Så startede han med at skrive den tredje bøde. Det forsatte cirka 20 minutter, jo mere vi fornærmede ham, jo flere bøder skrev han ud.  Personligt var vi ligeglade. Vi kom ind til byen med bus. Vi prøver at ha det lidt sjov hver dag nu hvor vi er på pension. Det er vigtigt i vores alder.

Hver dag, er der noget vi kan være Taknemmelige for...

 
I Jylland hedder det ikke en KONEBIL - her bruger man betegnelsen "SÆKKEVOGN"!

Den perfekte svigermor er så dement, at når hun ankommer i taxa, går man bare ud til hende og siger: "Tusind tak for besøget svigermor, kom godt hjem..."!

Et ældre ægtepar ligger i sengen...
Konen: "Kan du huske, da du bed mig blidt i brystvorten..."?
Ja...!
Kan du ikke prøve igen...?
Jo, kaster du patten herover - eller skal jeg kaste tænderne over til dig...?

En neger søgte ind på universitetet, og var til samtale hos studievejlederen, som spurgte ham:
"Hvilken gren vil du ind på..."?
"Jamen, kan jeg ikke bare få en stol ligesom alle de andre..."?

Piloten byder velkommen, men glemmer bagefter at slå mikrofonen fra...
"Nu vil jeg ud og skide, og bagefter vil jeg bolle med én af stewardesserne..."!
Dette hørte hele flyet...

Én af stewardesserne ville løbe op til piloten for at slukke for mikrofonen, men snublede på vejen...
Gamle fru Jensen hjalp hende op...
"Rolig nu, unge dame... Han skulle jo skide først..."!

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