Little old lady.

 

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, andevery once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
 Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills fallingout of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I canstill find some.  Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"  Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady.
 
"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes,
I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay up"....
 
 
ent            ay
 
 

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vice!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenceless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

 
 

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