1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on
a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas
spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact,
it's even
rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it
any other time
of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories
in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an
eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy
it.
Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
think.
It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not
stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why
bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in
an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is
to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January
when you
have nothing else to do. This is the time for
long naps, which you'll
need after circling the buffet table while
carrying
a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and
size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center
of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you
leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have
a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples
and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at
all cost.
I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been
paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
