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The English Language
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is
boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called
geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be
meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of
mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called
pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be
called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called
beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be
those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say
methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and
him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and
shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in
hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
.
We take English for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor
is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing,
grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham.
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers
praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up
speaking
English should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a
play
and play at a recital? We ship by truck but
send
cargo by ship. We have noses that
run and feet that smell. And how can a slim
chance and a fat chance
be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of
a language in which your house can burn up
as
it burns down, in which
you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which an
alarm goes off by going on.
So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't
Mop?
And that is just the beginning--
even though this is the
end!
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
I wondered why the baseball was getting
bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left
side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round
table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his Work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take
debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at Large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve
months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet
cement. He became a hardened Criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could
be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because
they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the
blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky Ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of
charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you
could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and
nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two
tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a
banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in
motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a
dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft
and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four
seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine
was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in
France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't
budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN
down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find
the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and
'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches
will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've
seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in
Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair,
she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to
know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Here are some definitions that perhaps
ought to replace the ones we have in our
usual dictionaries.
CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire
at one end and a fool at the other!
MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his
bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
DIVORCE:
Future Tense of Marriage
LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the
notes of the lecturer to the notes of
students without passing through the minds
of either
CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present
COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way
that everybody believes he got the biggest
piece
TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will
power is defeated by feminine water-power!
DICTIONARY:
The only place where divorce comes before
marriage
CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens and everybody disagrees later on
ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to
feel a feeling you have never felt before
CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read
SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things
straight!
OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your
strenuous home life
YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get
to open their mouth
ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know
more than you actually do
COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually
and sit to decide that nothing can be done
together
EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes
ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all
inventions
PHILOSOPHER:
A fool who torments himself during life, to
be spoken of when dead
DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such
a way that you actually look forward to the
trip
OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking bath if he
accidentally falls into a river
OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
PESSIMIST:
A person who says that O is the last letter
in ZERO, instead of the first letter in
OPPORTUNITY
MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die
RICH!
FATHER:
A banker provided by nature
CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, unless he
gets caught
BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and
late when you are early
POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections
and your Confidence Later
DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and
kills you
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