Court dictation

These are from a book called Disorder in American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of not laughing while these exchanges were actually being spoken . .

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was May 8?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive anyway?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

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