JOKES in ENGLISH

    An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

    They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

    He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
    "Why not?" he asked.
    She answered, "Because I'm dead."
    The husband asked…

    "What are you talking about?

    We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"
    She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
    He insisted, "You are not dead.

    What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
    "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts"

     

    A long time ago, Britain and France were

    at war. During one battle, the French

    captured an English colonel. They took
    him to their headquarters, and the French

    general began to question him. Finally, as

    an afterthought, the French general asked,

    "Why do you English officers all wear red

    coats? Don't you know the red material
    makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

    In his bland English way, the officer

    informed the general that the reason

    English officers wear red coats is so that

    if they are shot the blood won't show, and

    the men they are leading won't panic.

    And that is why, from that day to this, all

    French Army officers wear brown pants.

     

    MY FIRST TIME....

    It was my first time ever
    And I'll never forget
    I'd do it again

    Without a single regret.
    The sky was dark
    The moon was high
    We were all alone
    Just she and I.
    Her hair was soft
    Her eyes were blue
    I knew just what
    She wanted to do.
    Her skin so soft
    Her legs so fine
    I ran my fingers
    Down her spine.
    I didn't know how
    But I tried my best
    I started by placing
    My hands on her breast.
    I remember my fear
    My fast beating heart
    But slowly she spread
    Her legs apart.
    And when I did it
    I felt no shame
    All at once
    The white stuff came.
    At last it's finished
    It's all over now
    My first time ever

    At milking a cow...

    NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS..

     

    Undies
    Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.
    Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".
    Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack!

    001. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

    002. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I'm sorry,” replied the bartender, “it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

    003. An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: “Removed bowling ball from trunk.”

    004. A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." 005. My Mom bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want." Seeing the title, my Dad grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages. Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, she stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?" He simply told her, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

    006. A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "Okay, I give up. Where's the boat?"

    007. A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

    008. A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

    009. "You know, it's at times like these when I'm trapped in an airlock with an alien and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!"

    010. A nursery school teacher was taking a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

    011. Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." The cashier responds, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old says, "Nope, not for my sister either." By this time, the cashier was curious. "Oh. Well, if they're not for your mom and they're not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says, "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised. "Your four-year-old little brother?" So the nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

    012.Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

    013. A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
    "After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted. "Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him." "And when was that?" "When he asked for his second cup."

    014. A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

    015. A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.......he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No". Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

    016. One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard." Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?" "That's easy," she replied. "I just buy something else and then l ook at the time printed on the sales receipt."

    017. Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

    018. About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Bent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

    019. The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. "Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer. "Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

    020. Heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.

    021. A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers. "Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"

    022. A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Mad as a hornet, the woman slammed her money into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her whatwas wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

    023. The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

    024.As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-35. Please be careful!" Herman said: "It's not just one... It's hundreds of them!"

    025. Washington D.C
    A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington D.C." On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

    026. A woman walks into the doctor’s office and says, "Doctor I hurt all over." The doctor says, "That's impossible." "No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts." she replies. The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?" The woman smiles and says, "Why yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

    027.Mikey walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Mikey started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what Mikey had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said Mikey, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

    028. Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card." Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

    029.Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 feet over Heli-pad 1." Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!" There was a brief moment of silence. First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"

    030. They have finally figured out how to get Bin Laden....They are going to fly and drop viagra all over the and wait for the little prick to pop up.


    031.

    "How the Internet Began"

    (with no help from Al Gore)
    In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. Dot said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums with delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed insisted upon making only drums that would work with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel or, as it came to be known, "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are, and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

    032. Senior Citizen Personal Ads
    FOXY LADY:
    Sexy fashion-conscious, blue haired beauty, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6") searching for a sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

    033. Senior Citizen Personal Ads
    SERENITY NOW:
    I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

    034. Senior Citizen Personal Ads
    WINNING SMILE:
    Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share steaks, corn on the cob, apples and caramel candy with.

    035. Senior Citizen Personal Ads
    BEATLES OR STONES?
    I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight track tapes.

    036. Senior Citizen Personal Ads
    MEMORIES:
    I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

    037. Senior Citizen Personal Ads
    MINT CONDITION:
    Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea and valves. Doesn't run but walks well. Looking for a newer model willing to give me a shove when necessary.

    038. Mum is working in the farmhouse kitchen when dad enters with his first erection in years. "Mum, get into bed!" he says. She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, gets into bed... but too late. Dad has withered away. "Ya know, we can't have this happen again," says dad, "next time I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the house, we'll be right." A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen. She hears the fire bell. She goes through all the preparations. Dad comes pounding into the house, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lies naked waiting for him. He looks her over and says, "Get up, ya oversexed fool... the barn's on fire!"

    039. A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
    The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. - After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

    040. It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon!"

    041. A wealthy man needed a brain transplant. His doctor said he had two choices. One was a college professor at the cost of $10,000. The second choice was a famous politician for $500,000. The patient asked why so expensive? The doctor replied, "It's never been used!"

    042. How many redheaded women have been born in United States? None......only redheaded babies!

    043. WOMEN DO NOT BELCH....
    WOMEN DO NOT SNORE......
    WOMEN DO NOT TOOT!
    THEREFORE, THEY MUST GRIPE OR THEY WILL BLOW UP!

    044. Marriages are made in heaven, but then so are thunder and lightning!

    045. WHAT LETTERS ARE NOT IN THE ALPHABET? THE ONES IN THE POST OFFICE.

    046. Where does a worm go in a corn field? In one ear and out the other.

    047. THE ONLY TIME A MAN TAKES A BUBBLE BATH IS AFTER HE'S HAD BEANS FOR DINNER.

    048. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? It's not known. It's never happened yet.

    049. WHAT ARE THE REASONS THAT WOMEN DON'T MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS? NO MIND.........NO BUSINESS!

    050. Money talks.......but things have been reeeeeeal quiet around our house lately.

    051. IN MY KID'S AMERICAN HISTORY CLASS THEY ARE STUDYING THE 50S. SHE'S TAKING ME FOR SHOW AND TELL TOMORROW.

    052. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

    053. THE OTHER DAY, MY LIFE FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES. IT WAS AWFUL.........I HATE RERUNS.

    054. We had a tough day at the office yesterday. The computers were all down and everyone had to think!

    055. Now I know why it's called "voice mail". By the time you get through to an actual person, you might as well have sent a letter.

    056. BRING UP A CHILD IN THE WAY IT SHOULD GO.......AND GO THAT WAY YOURSELF.

    057. What's important - not the size of your house, but rather the number of people you welcome into your home.

    058. Psychiatrist and 4 Moms:
    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. He said to the first mother, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

    059. FIELD TRIP
    A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about horoughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th." "No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th but thanks for the lift."

    060. Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

    061. On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

    062. Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

    063. How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? He'll tell you.

    064. What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

    065. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

    066. Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks. The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

    067. A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

    068. "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman."I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

    069. I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

    070. The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

    071. A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out his huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The ancient Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the Texan, "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts." "Well," says the Texan, "my eyes aren't what they used to be.

    072. A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me?" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the UPS man delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over,starting with her breasts and slowly going down..." "WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

    073. Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:
    (1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?
    (2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?
    (3) Which one is your mouth?

    074. One of our geeks was at my computer adjusting some settings, so I took the opportunity to ask him a question. "With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?" He kept working, but without missing a beat, he said, "It will burn when you pee."

    075.A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's brand name on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!". I don't remember much after that.

    076. I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do. One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said, WHAT?? So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, What was her first clue? I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I go to sleep. The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ..she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now. You should have seen her face it went completely blank. I then said, Really honey! I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, You obviously are not in tune with my financial needs as a Man. I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2005.

    077. A white and a black man were sent to hell for sinful lives. When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited punishment. The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop his pants and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and it slowly and painfully melted away. With the white man laying on the ground in pain, the black man stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants and with a smirk on his face he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and nothing happened. The bewildered devil asked the man what was so funny and the black man replied, "This kind of chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand.

    078. Little Johnny came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs?" She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?" She replied, "That's my squirrel." Then little Johnny said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as gray as yours." Grandma replied, "Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has

    079. A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

    080. Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

    081. A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted. "Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him." "And when was that?" "When he asked for his second cup."

    082. The blonde woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, ... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

    083. This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided o stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said office Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin?, Damn...is it midnight already?"

    084. Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited. Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

    085. The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager making love to his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

    086. Before you meet with God
    A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," replies the guy.

    087. An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?" The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

    088. A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

    089. little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

    090. AT 75 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that, after their wedding, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the whole night together. After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed. There is a knock on the door, the door opens and there is Morris. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on the bedroom door. It's Morris, ready for more. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents and, when the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. Lou Anne is set to go to sleep when Morris is back rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris is set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am very impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with men less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris". Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

    091. Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..." "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea."I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

    092. Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

    093. There was a city cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep" the little boy said, "He sure did." The cop looked over the bike and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation, he said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young boy looked at the cop and said,"Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little boy looked at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

    094. Best Comeback Line Ever.........
    Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
    GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,and shooting.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
    GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
    GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
    GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
    not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

    095. >AUTO REPAIR
    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

    096. SPEEDING TICKET
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

    097. EXPOSURE
    A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

    098. RIVER WALK
    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

    099. KNITTING
    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

    100. BLONDE ON THE SUN
    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

    101. IN A VACUUM
    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

    102. There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

    103. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
    Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
    Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
    Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
    Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
    Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
    Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
    After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

    104. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
    Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

    105. The end of the world comes & everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
    With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
    The line of the men that were dominated by women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who were dominate, there was only one man.
    God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
    And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"!

    106. A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
    SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
    He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
    Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
    SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
    He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
    He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
    "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
    He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
    As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,facing another small sign:
    GO IN PEACE - YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    107. Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.

    108. Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.

    109. Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.

    110. Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?

    111. Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.

    112. Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.

    113.Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.

    114. Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.

    115. Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.

    116. Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.

    117. Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you.

    118. Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.

    118. Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?

    119. Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.

    120. Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.

    121. Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?

    122. A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied,"There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

    123. A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

    124. Noah's Ark Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark..
    ONE: Don't miss the boat.
    TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
    THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
    FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
    FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
    SIX: Build your future on high ground.
    SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
    EIGHT: Speed isn't always an adv antage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
    NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
    TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
    ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
     

    125. Two blondes were up in the far north woods, out looking for a Christmas tree.
    They were all bundled up from head to toe, carrying their hatchets and
    a coil of rope to tie on and drag it back. They had thought of everything.
    They were all set. ........... but they couldn't find the right tree.
    They searched for hours, slogging through knee-deep snow. The wind was
    blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. Had to get
    that Christmas tree.
    Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the
    other and said, "That's it! I've had enough! The next tree we come to,

    we're going to cut it down, whether it's decorated or not!"
     

    126

    California
    It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
    Women may not drive in a house coat.


    New Jersey
    You cannot pump your own gas.
    All gas stations are full service only.
    In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.


    New York
    It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
    The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


    Florida
    It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
    Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.


    Ohio
    Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
    It is illegal to get a fish drunk.


    Kansas
    Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
    No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

    Oklahoma
    Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
    State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

    Alabama
    It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
    Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.


    Wisconsin
    In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
    Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.


    Virginia
    It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
    Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

    127. A man and his 10-year-old son were hiking the back trails.

    The boy stopped to inspect a medium-sized boulder at the side of
    the trail.

    "Dad, do you think I can move that rock?"

    The man eyeballed the rock and said, "Yes son, if you use all
    your strength, you can move that rock."

    The boy braced against the rock and pushed and strained with all
    his might...the rock didn't budge.

    "Well Dad, you were wrong, I can't move that rock."

    "No son, I wasn't wrong, I said that if you used all your
    strength you could move that rock.

    But you didn't use all your strength

    ...because you didn't ask me for help."

    128.

    A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...
    "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband.
    "My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual," said the
    doctor. "Let me examine you."
    The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.
    The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
    "Yes, I am," she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
    "Grape"
     
    129. 21 Wise Sayings

    1. The best way to get even is to forget...

    2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

    3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

    4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...

    5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be
    maintained on earth...

    6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then
    perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea.

    7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...

    8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous.
    You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.

    9. Words are windows to the heart.

    10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on
    the wall, claims it's a forgery.

    11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill,
    just add a little dirt.

    12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's
    being the right person.

    13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its
    ground.

    14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over
    them.

    15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't
    hold it.

    16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover
    the prisoner was you.

    17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and
    Elvis is alive.

    18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again.
    Just be sure to flush when you are done.

    19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it
    sticks out its neck...

    20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you
    can bet the water bill is higher.

    21. And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings, and He
    gave humans CHOCOLATE!!!!!
     
    130.

    Ordering Pizza in the year 2015.


    Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have
    your ."

    Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

    Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

    Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
    6102049998-45-54610."

    Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742
    Meadowland Drive and the phone number's 494-2366. Your
    office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and

    your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling
    from, sir?"

    Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this
    information?"

    Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

    Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of
    your All-Meat Special pizzas ..."

    Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."


    Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

    Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've

    got very high blood pressure and extremely high
    cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow
    such an unhealthy choice."

    Customer: "Dang . What do you recommend, then?"

    Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza.
    I'm sure you'll like it."

    Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like
    that?"

    Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes'
    from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made
    the suggestion."

    Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized
    ones, then. What's the damage?"

    Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and
    your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh,
    comes to $49.99."

    Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

    Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay
    in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

    Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash
    before your driver gets here."

    Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking
    account's overdrawn."

    Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the
    cash ready. How long will it take?

    Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be
    about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want
    to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but
    carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

    Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"

    Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car
    payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid
    up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

    Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

    Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've
    already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

    Customer: (Speechless)

    Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

    Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free
    liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

    Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause
    prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

    131. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
    Nudity

    132. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    45 lbs.

    133. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes.

    134. Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.


    135. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


    136. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase
    cars they have no intention of driving.


    137. What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    138. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    Bingo machine.

    139. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    140. Why did God create alcohol?
    So ugly people could have sex, too.

    141. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"


    142. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
    Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

    143. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.

    144. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
    and a Southern fairytale?
    A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
    A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."

    145.

    Blonde Parking During the Winter

    Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

    146.The Rules for Being Human
    =========================

    1. You will receive a body.
    You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the
    entire period.

    2. You will learn lessons.
    You are enrolled in an informal school called Life. Each day in
    this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons.
    You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

    3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
    Growth is a process of trial and error.
    Experimentation.
    The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process
    as the experiment that ultimately "works".

    4. A lesson is repeated until learned.
    A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you
    have learned it. You can then go on to the next lesson.

    5. Learning lessons does not end.
    There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons.
    If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

    6. "There" is no better than "here."
    When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain
    another "there" that will again look better than "here."

    7. Others are merely mirrors of you.
    You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it
    reflects something you either love or hate about yourself.

    8. What you make of your life is up to you.
    You have all the tools and resources you need.
    What you do with them is up to you.
    The choice is yours.

    9. Your answers lie inside you.
    The answers to Life's questions lie inside you.
    All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

    10. You will forget all this.
     
    147.
     
    148.  Well, I was chatting this girl up on the phone. I didn't know her, but she was a friend of one of my friends and I was quite drunk. Anyway, I was talking for ages, but then the phone rang. She had hung up ages ago, and I had been talking to myself all this time.
     
    149. Somewhere in London
    An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.
    "You know, boy," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher."
    "Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."
     
    150.
    A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

    The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

    This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

    Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

    The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
     
     
    151. I was a freshman in high school and i had two older cousins that went to the same high school. One was a sophmore and the other a junior.

    Well, my cousins lived down the street in some apartments. To get to the apartments we had to cross in front of the entire school. I was a little bit behind them and ran to catch up, and right when I had caught up they were crossing the street.

    I tried to slow down from running right as I stepped of the side walk and fell in the middle of the street. The bad part about it is that I just didn't fall, I ended up doing a karate roll across the cross walk.

    My sophmore cousin just keept walking, but my junior cousin stopped in the middle of the road and instead of asking "Are you okay? Are you alright?" she started screaming "GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! YOUR EMBARRASSING ME!!"

    Little did she know she drew more attention than I did. On the way to my cousins' apartment I was examing my cuts and bruises, and now that it is all over and done with I still get teased about my Karate roll!
     
     
    152. Two elderly women were eating breakfast
    in a restaurant one morning.
    Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear
    and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got
    a suppository in your left ear?"
    Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?"
    She pulled it out and stared at it.
    Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you noticed this.
    I'm afraid now I know where my hearing aid is."
     
     
    153. A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions:
    "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

    154. A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to
    "Remove child before folding"

    155. A prescription of sleeping pills says,
    "Warning: May cause drowsiness

    A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor,
    Michigan actually warns:
    "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

    A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without
    clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest
    area while the rollers are moving."

    A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof.²"

    A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to
    play in the dishwasher."

    A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the
    Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

    An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions,
    "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks"

    A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use
    "while sleeping or unconscious"

    A container of underarm deodorant says,
    "Caution: Do not spray in eyes"

    A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner"

    A household iron warns users:
    "Never iron clothes while they are being worn"

    A label with a hair dryer reads,
    "Never use hair dryer while sleeping"

    A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns:
    "Not intended for highway use"

    A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
    warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place"

    A Bathroom Heater says:
    "This product is not to be used in bathrooms"

    A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
    "May irritate eyes"

    A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists
    says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not
    cover."

    A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
    "Caution - Risk of Fire"

    A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear
    plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a
    body cavity.
     

    156. May I Have This Dance?

    A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says,

    "Would you like to dance?"


    The girl says, "I don't like this song,

    but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."


    The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me,

    I said you look fat in those pants."

     

    157.

    What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
    --I'll be home in twenty minutes.

    Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
    --To keep his ankles warm.

    Realization of from another White House intern . . .
    --And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!

    Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
    --Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.

    What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky?
    --"They told me she was the "head" intern!"

    What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
    --A small weenie in hot water.

    What do Monica and Bill Clinon have most in common?
    --They're both going down.

    Someone ask Clinton if he was going back to Arkansas after this is all over.
    --He said he thought he would stay in D.C. and poke around for a while.

    Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
    --He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his staff.

    How did Clinton exercise his position as Commander-in-Chief?
    --By barking out orders . . . like "Get Under the Desk!"

    Don't feel sorry for Monica......
    --She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!

    Why did Bill get into this problem?
    --He didn't know that harass was one word.

    Clinton Presidential Anthem --
    --Kneel to the Chief

    What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
    --At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."

    Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff?
    --She didn't understand know what STAFF he really meant.

    Who's going to score first in the Super Bowl?
    --The Denver Broncos or the Green Bay Packers? Bill Clinton

    What's Hillary's new nickname for Bill's penis?
    --"The Titanic" - because over 1500 interns went down on it.

    What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
    --Unibanger.

    How does Hillary feel?
    --She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST

    What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting on January 22, 1998?
    --"Bill....Goats don't talk!!"
     
     
    158.

    Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

    "Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

    "That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

    Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

    "What was his name?" asks Bubba.

    Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

    159.

    Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.


    Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"


    One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.


    Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
    bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.


    She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."


     

    160.

    Giving 100% at Work

    Give 12% on Mondays
    Give 23% on Tuesdays
    Give 40% on Wednesdays
    Give 20% on Thursdays
    Give 5% on Fridays

    And remember...
    When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 muscles to extend your finger and flip them off.


    161.

    Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
    To improve his bite...

    What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
    Frostbite...

    Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
    Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

    How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
    With scare spray...

    What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
    A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

    Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
    No, they eat the fingers separately...

    Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
    Because they don't have any body to go out with...

    What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
    Booberries...

    What is a vampire's favorite sport?
    Casketball...

    What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
    Fangsgiving...

    What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
    Shrinkenstein...

    What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
    "Do you believe in people?"

    What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
    A cereal killer...

    Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
    They're so wrapped up in themselves...

    What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
    Dead ends...

    What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
    Fasten your sheet belts...

    What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
    A blood vessel...

    What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
    A scareplane...

    What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
    Bloodhounds...

    What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
    Lemon-slime...

    What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
    A stake sandwich...

    What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
    A trombone...

    What do birds give out on Halloween night?
    Tweets...

    Why do vampires need mouthwash?
    They have bat breath...

    What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
    A guy with very high blood pressure...

    Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
    He heard it had great circulation...


     

    162. A blonde is bragging about her knowledge of state capitols... Proudly, she says, "Go ahead.  Ask me.  I know all of them!" Her friend says, "Ok then.  What is the capitol of Wisconsin?" The blonde boastfully smiles and says, "That's easy:  W."

    163.

    Famous Last Words

    1.      I'll get a world record for this.

    2.      Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

    3.      It's fireproof.

    4.      He's probably just hibernating.

    5.      I'm making a citizen's arrest.

    6.      So, you're a cannibal.

    7.      It's probably just a rash.

    8.      Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

    9.      The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!

    10.  Pull the pin and count to what?

    11.  Which wire was I supposed to cut?

    12.  I wonder where the mother bear is.

    13.  I've seen this done on TV.

    14.  These are the good kind of mushrooms.

    15.  I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

    16.  Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.

    17.  Rat poison only kills rats.

    18.  It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

    19.  This doesn't taste right.

    20.  I can make this light before it changes.

    21.  Nice doggie.

    22.  I can do that with my eyes closed.

    23.  Well, we've made it this far.

    24.  That's odd.

    25.  Don't be so superstitious!

     

  •  
    164. Tennis Balls .
    One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

    Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

    Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

    "What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

    "Tennis ball,” the man said smiling back.

    "Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
     
  • 165. The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
    The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
    The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
    The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
    The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
     
    166. Love Is Blindness
    A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
    "Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
    "Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

    167.

  • You Can Take it With You
    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
  • And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
    Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
    When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
    She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
    So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
    "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
    "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
    "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

     

    168. Movie Theater Mayhem!
    A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you''re only allowed one seat."
    The man groaned but didn''t budge. The usher became impatient.
    "Sir," the usher said, "if you don''t get up from there, I''m going to have to call the manager."
    Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
    "All right, buddy. What''s your name?"
    "Sam," the man moaned.
    "Where ya come from, Sam?" the cop asked.
    "The balcony."

     

    169. The Injured Thumb
    This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.
    "Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
    "Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
    "Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
    "That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

     

    170. Plastic Surgery Miracles
    Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
    One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
    One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
    Now he's President of the United States."

    171.

  • Perry Coma
    When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
  • "How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
    "I think she choked to death," said the husband.

     

    172. Daughter's Prayer.
    A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
    "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
    "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
    Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

     

    173. Mr. Phillard's Twins
    One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.
    "Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."
    "What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"
    "He named your daughter Denise."
    "Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"
    "He named your son Denephew."

     

    174. Strangers on a Train
    A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
    "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
    "I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
    "I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
    "I don't know."

    175. Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment
    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
    After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
    In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
    The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
    "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
     
    176. The Local Strip Club
    Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

    Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

    The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

     

    177.  Widow For One Year
    One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

    ''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

    The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

    ''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

    ''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''

    178. Dragging Their Feet
    Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

    As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."
    The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

    179. Toe Curl.
    This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says.

    "What makes you say that?" asks the woman.
    "Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.
    "Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."

    180. Legless Poodle
    What do you call a poodle with no legs?

    A spoonge.

    181. Phone Line
    A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

    He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
    Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help"?

    182.  Just Keep Drinking!
    A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”

    So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”
    The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.”
    The bartender says, “What've you got?”
    The guy says, “75 cents.”

    183. The Pig with the Wooden Leg.
    There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.

    The farmer said, ''That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.''
    ''So why does he have a wooden leg?'' the tourist asked.
    ''Well one night our house caught on fire. And he came into our house and he woke us all up.''
    ''So,'' the tourist asked again, ''why does that pig have a wooden leg?''
    ''Well, a pig that brave you can't eat all at once!''

    184. Guess Who?
    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

    "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
    "But why?" asks the man.
    "I'm a divorce lawyer."

    185. The Birds and the Bees
    A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
    Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
    "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

    186. The Waiter and the Fart
    A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that!”
    To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”

    187. Alligator Shoes
    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
    The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
    Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

    188.  The Unconcerned Widow
    An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.
    Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
    The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

    189. Mad Cows
    Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"

    The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"

    190. Martooni
    A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?'' She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.''

    The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here:
    Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
    Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
    Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''

     

  • 191. A 90-year-old man said to his doctor
    A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

    The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
  • 192. Blonde...Infant Scale
    At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

    "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
     
    193. C.E.O. D.U.M.B
    One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
    "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
    Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
    194.  Cat Hating Husband
    A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
    The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
    He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
    Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

    195. Pee Up A Rope
    Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.

    With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
    "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

    196. The Witty Truck Driver

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
    Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas".

    197. Stewed Tomatoes
    A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.

    The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
    The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
    The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''
     
    198. The Mystery of Childbirth
    A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
    "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
    "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
    "Oh, the stork brought us too."
    "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
    "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
    Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
    "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

    199. The Brass Rat
    A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

    "That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
    "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.
    "Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
    "Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

    200. Husband & Wife
    Scene: Suburban home, living room. Post-quarrel.
    Wife: You know, I was a fool when I married.
    Husband: Yes, dear. But I was in love and didn't notice.

     201. Is That Your Face?
    Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

     202. Italian Stallions
    What do you call Italian women in a sauna?
    Gorillas In The Mist!

     203. Male Animal
    How many men does it take to mop a floor?

    None. It's a woman's job.

     204. Male Voltage
    What's the difference between men and batteries?
    Batteries have a positive side!

     205. Man and Pig?
    Q: What's the difference between a man and a pig?
    A: You mean there IS a difference?

     206. Men Are Like Toilets
    Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!

     

    207. God DID Have A Purpose
    Why did God invent the shopping cart?
    To teach the women to walk on her hind legs!
    208. A Hooker and a Bungee Jump
    What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
    They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

     208. A Man's Heart
    What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

    Through his chest.

     209. Amusement Pork
    Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?

    A: You wait three hours for a two-minute ride

     210. Angelic Love
    "My wife is an angel."

    "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."

    211. Anniversaries and Toilets
    What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
    Men always miss both of them.

     212. Arctic Hooker
    What is a hooker in Alaska called?

    A frostitute!

     213. Armed Women
    Why did God give women arms?

    Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?

     214. Art Gallery Nudes
    A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

    The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
    The husband replies, "Autumn."

     215. Banking and Sex
    What do sex and a savings account have in common?

    Once you withdraw you lose interest.

     216. Bedside Confession
    Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

    Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina
    Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.
     
    217. Car Crash
    A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped'
     'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'

     218. Ceramic Guys
    What do guys and ceramic tiles have in common?

    Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for the rest of your life!

     219. Cherry Pop
    Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.

    "I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."
    "I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
    "Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
    "You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."
    "Exactly."

     220. Christmas In Heaven
    Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

    "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.
    "These are Carol's."

     221. Clearly Cheating
    Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Loraine.
    He was cheating on her with a girl named Clearly.
    Then Loraine died.
    At the funeral the man stood up and sang, ''I can see Clearly now Loraine is gone....''

    222. Clinton after Coitus
    What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after having sex?
    "I will be home in 20 minutes, dear."

     223. College Rules
    On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
    "How much for a season pass?"

     224. Color Television
    One day, a man walked into an appliance store.

    "Do you sell color televisions?"
    "Yes," said the clerk. "Yes, we do."
    "Then give me a green one."

     225. Computer Breasts
    Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
    (o)(o)   perfect breasts
    ( + )( + )           fake silicone breasts
    (*)(*)    high nipple breasts
    (@)(@)            big nipple breasts
    o o       a cups
    { O }{ O }         d cups
    (oYo)   wonder bra breasts
    ( ^ )( ^ )             cold breasts
    (o)(O) lopsided breasts
    (Q)(O)             pierced breasts
    (p)(p)   breasts with tassled pasties
    \o/\o/    Grandma's breasts
    ( - )( - )             flat against the shower door breasts
    |oo|       android breasts

    226.

    A blonde ordered a pizza
    and the clerk asked if he
    should cut it
    in six or twelve pieces.
    "Six, please.
    I could never eat twelve pieces."
227.A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed at home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while
my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade
in our bodies."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set
out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their
lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry
cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove
to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills,
went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.  He
cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen
floor.  He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home.  He set out cookies and milk
and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the
ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for
salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.  At 9:00 PM he
was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so wrong
to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things
back to the way they were.

You'll have to wait 9 months, though.

You got pregnant last night!!!"
 
228.
The Soldier and the Nun
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see, I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she could fully understand the fear. The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen--I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

229. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered
the lady.

230. "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."

231. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

232. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,
it's still out there in your pockets."

233. While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step
in exhaust."

234. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an
artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the
teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

235. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It
seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long
trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."

236. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
of attention.


237. A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay,"
said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." the
young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before
Leaving Earth.'"

238. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your
quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's
Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is
coming."

238. The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that
the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at
the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a
copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of
something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played
"The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the
regular organist! ________ Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me
the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on
to other folk!

239. After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, West Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Alabama

240. A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to
do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

241. Why do doctors and nurses wear masks during an operation? If somebody screws up, nobody will know who it was.

242. Upon reaching 65 old Rob decided to retire. But after he'd been under his wife's feet for a few months she became very fed up with him. She suggested he go out and find something to occupy himself. Like joining a club, or getting himself a hobby. He obliged. Out he went for a couple of hours. When he returned his wife asked him about his day.

"Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with a couple of the guys for a while. And guess what? I've decided to join a parachute club."

"Are you nuts", said his old wife, "65 years of age ain't the best time to start ?" "Well that's what I did", he said, "and it'll keep me occupied. Look, here's my membership card".

"What you need is glasses, you silly old bugger", she said "This is a membership card for a prostitute club!"

"Wow!'" said the old guy, "and I've signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

243. There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

244.One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the
front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this
was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return
trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying
naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went
inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are 6 ladies laying
naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes
and they are having a yard sale!"

245.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
"Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license,
they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture
 of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

246.

BIKER WITH TOO MUCH TO CARRY

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.

He stopped by the feedstore/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
 
While scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
 
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at1616Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot.

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
 
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow lady without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up gainst the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose, How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the two chickens."
 
247.

I Will Survive (Not by Gloria Gaynor :)


At first I was afraid, I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long
That I grew strong And knew that I could take you on
But there you are... another lie,
I was geared up for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry
I should have known it was bullsh*t, just a sad, pathetic dream
Should have known no anaconda would be lurking in those jeans...
Go on now go... walk out the door
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4
Weren't you a prat to think that I wouldn't catch you out
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count!
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive
Cos as long as I have batteries my sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex I will survive, I
will survive. . .hey hey
It took all my self-control not to laugh out loud
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud
But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed
Go on now go... you'd better flee
Last time I saw a pr*ck that small was on my brother... he was 3
I should have asked for confirmation, should have asked for referees
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me
Go on now go... just hit the track
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back
The only thing that I could do with a pr*ck as small as yours
Is to stick it with a tooth-pick and dip it in tomato sauce
Chorus)
Go on now go... get out of my sight
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know it's length is right
And if I ever see your tiny truncheon standing at my door
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor
Go on now go...

248.

Big Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.

Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

 

249. These people are permitted to vote!!!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying

"Free to good home You want it, you take it"

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale $50".

The next day someone stole it

Caution! These people Vote
==================================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained,

he didn't want the sun waking him up every morninG

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said,

"Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...

She ALSO votes!

=====================================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.

One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him,

"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said,

"Uh, Pacific" .

He ALSO votes!

=============================================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.

She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".

She ALSO votes!

=================================================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car.

It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.

My sister ALSO votes!

==================================================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%

Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.

The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...

He ALSO votes!

============================================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

My friend ALSO votes!

========================================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.

So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived...... yet?".

SHE ALSO votes!

=======================================

To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary.

For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible

250. The Confession:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said,
 "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I  saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied,
"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
that's the same as putting it in."

251.

There once was an American Indian whose given name was   "Onestone". 
So named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.  
After years and years of torment,  

Onestone finally cracked and said,
 "If anyone calls me   Onestone again I will kill them!
" The word got around and   nobody called him that any more.
 
Then one day a young woman   named Blue Bird forgot and said,
 "Good morning, Onestone."  

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest  
where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from  exhaustion.
 
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call   him by his given nam until a woman. named Yellow Bird returned  to the village after being away for many years.  

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said,
"Good to see you,  Onestone
" Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the  forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!  

And the moral of this story is
"you can't kill two birds with one stone."  

252.

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus .
So shut the hell up."

253. Once there was a little boy that lived in the country..They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

254.

Social Security Sex
Two men were talking.
 "So hows your sex life?"
"Oh nothing special. Im having Social Security Sex."
"Social Security Sex?" "Yeah, you know:
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
 
Loud Sex
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ]
"Ive got a big problem, doctor.
 Every time we are in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I dont see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained,
"It wakes me up!"
 
Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?
" She glanced at him casually and replied,
 "Youre never home!"
 
Confounded Sex
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was magled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium",
and $14,000 for "large." 
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. the man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "Shed rather remodel the kitchen!"
 
Wedding Anniversary Sex
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells,
"When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband- Stiff At Last'!!!!"
 
Womens Humor
A husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said ,
"This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, his wife squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in!!!!!
 
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ]
" I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says........
"I will miss you!!!!!!!"

255. Going To The Toilet

 
 During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment.
 
I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom,
I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

256. 7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

 
 ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
 FIRST DEGREE
 A married couple were asleep when the phone rang  at 2 in the morning.
 The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
"How should I  know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up
The husband said,
"Who was that?"
The wife said,   
"I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the  coast is clear."
 

 ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
 SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One  notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down  to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
"Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The  second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the  first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,
"You dummy,  it's me!"
 
 ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-
 THIRD DEGREE
 A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on  her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
 She goes to  his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. 
 Well, the blonde is really angry.
 She opens her  purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,   she is overcome with grief.
 She takes the gun and  puts it to her head. 
 The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" 
 The blonde replies,
"Shut up, you're next!"
 
 ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
 FOURTH DEGREE
 A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of  state capitals.
 She proudly says,
 "Go ahead, ask  me, I know all of them.
" A friend says,
 "OK,what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
 The blonde  replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
 
 ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
 FIFTH DEGREE
 What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told  her she was pregnant?
 "Is it mine?"
 
 ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-
 SIXTH DEGREE
 Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA  freshman, sat in her US government class.
The  professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then  finally said,
"That was the decision George  Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
 
 ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
 SEVENTH DEGREE
 Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to  find her house ransacked and burglarized.
 She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. 
 The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the  radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
 As the K-9 officer approached  the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran  out on the porch,
 shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. 
 Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I  come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?  
They send me a BLIND policeman."

257.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about,
a battle that goes on inside people.
 He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
Resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, 
 "The one you feed."

258.

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
 
They hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,
so the snowplows can get through.
" Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
 
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,
so the snowplows can get hrough.
" Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
 
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
 "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today, you must park...
" Then the power goes out.
 
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do.
 Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
 
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonde sexhibit,
 Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

259.

A woman went to her boyfriend's parent's house for Thanksgiving Dinner.
This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman began to feel a little discomfort.
Thanks to her nervousness and the broccolicasserole,
 the gas pains were almost making her eyes water.
 Left with no other choice,
she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,
Her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing ,
under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,
Skippy!
The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp"
The father again looked at the dog and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy!".
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy", get away from her, before she shits on you!"

260.

 A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
 She'd seen many books on the subject and finally getting
 all of the tools together, she made for the ice.

 After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
 to make a circular cut in the ice.
 Suddenly from the sky a voice boomed,
 
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE".

 Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
 poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole.
 Again from the heavens a voice boomed,
 
'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE".

 The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down
 to the opposite end of the ice.
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voicecame once more,
 
'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE".

 She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?".
 The voice replied,
 
'NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK".

261.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
 
 After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants,
and all the big muscles,
 but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was:
 'Get the quarterback,
 Get the quarterback!
' I'm like...Helloooooo?
 It's only 25 cents!!!!

262. "TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

 
 An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report,
 that her car has been broken into.
 She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the,dispatcher:
 "They've stolen the stereo, the steeringwheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm.
An officer is on th way.
" A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
 _______________________________________

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters,
 "Was I getting in or out of the bath?
 
" The 94 year old yells back,
"I don't know. I'll come up and see.
" She starts up the stairs and pauses
"Was I going up the stairs or down?
 
" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchn table,
having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says,
 "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.
" She then yells,
 "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
 _______________________________________
 "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

 Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf,
 one fine March day.
 One remarked to the other,
 "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the.second man replied, "it's Thursday.
" And the third man chimed in,
 "So am I. Let's have a beer
_______________________________________
 SUPERSEX

 An little old lady was running up and down the halls in,a nursing home.
 As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgownand say
"Supersex."
 She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
 Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex.
" He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
 _______________________________________
 ROMANCE

 An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was ,
in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second,
and tried to get back to sleep
 A few moments later she said:
"Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across,
 gave her a peck on,the cheek and settled down to sleep
 Thirty seconds later she said:
 "Then you used to bite my neck.
" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
 "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

 _______________________________________

 DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home
 She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
 "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!
" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out,
"An elephant?"
 Bessie thinks a minute and says,
 "Close enough."
 _______________________________________

 OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting,
a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards
when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me
I know we've been friends for a long time ..
but I just can't,think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
 Please tell me what your name is.
" Her friend glared at her.
 For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
 Finally she said,
 "How soon do you need to know?"
 _______________________________________

 SENIOR DRIVING

 As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
 Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the,
 wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman,
"It's not just one car.
 It's hundreds of them!"
 ______________________________________

 DRIVING

 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -
 both could barely see over the dashboard.
 As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
 The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
 The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
" After a few more minutes, they came to another
intersection and the light was red again.
 Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had,
been red but was really concerned that she was losin it.
She  was getting nervous .
 At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to tho there woman and said,
 "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
 Mildred turned to her and said,
"Crap, am I driving?"
 

263.  Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.

 
 The evangelist called to all who wanted to behealed to go to their TV set,
place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where ,
they wanted to be healed.
 
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV,
placed her right hand on the set and her left hand
on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have  great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right.
hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said,
"I guess you just don't get it.
 
The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick,
Not to raise the dead."

264.  6 Affairs:

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. 
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
 We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
 
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
 They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
 He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
 He told his wife:
"There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?
" The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
 "Not this time!"
 
 
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part it must be saved for posterity.
" So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
 
 
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner.
" She rubbed baby oil all over him then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said,
"pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.
" No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
 Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
 
 
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
 "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied "Upstairs, with my wife.
" The man asked "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?
" The bartender replied
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
 
 
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying.
His wife sat at the bedside.
 He looked up and said weakly
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied,
"now just rest and let the poison work."


265.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone books
when your calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in.
 It was an ad for a girl calling herself
Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo
She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair,long graceful legs all the way up to her ass.
You know the kind.
So I'm in my,room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says.
 God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot,and I want it now.
I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it,we'll do it. Bring all your implements,
toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night;
Tie me up,wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream,
anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"

She says,
"That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

266.

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks,
 "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I used to live here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"For what did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh," says the woman. "So, you're single..."
 
 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 267.
Four old men were out golfing at Lakewood Ranch.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,
" said the third senior.
 After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest and the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
"Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 268.
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally
gathered his courage to ask her,
 "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember.
 Try as he would, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called herFirst,
he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say,
"Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued,
"I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 269.
A man was telling his neighbor at bingo last Wednesday, 
"I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. 
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. 
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 270.
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor at Health Care America to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that.  I said,
'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "

271.

A man, a sheep, and a dog, were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunset together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen. 
She was in a pretty bad way when they they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

272.

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the
street  when a masked robber ran out of a bank
 and shot her three times in
the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon  decided to
leave the bullets in because it was too risky to  operate.
She gave birthto two healthy
daughters and a healthy  son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter
walked  into the room in tears.

What's wrong?" asked the mother
I was taking a tinkle and this  bullet came out,
replied the daughter. The mother told her it  was okay and
explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into ,
the room in tears.
Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this  bullet cameout.
Again in the mother told her not to worry ,
and explained  what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
It's okay" said the   Mom,
I know what happened. 
You were  taking atinkle and a bullet came out.

No," said the boy,
I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."   

273,

FOR YOUR  INFORMATION

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
 Do not walk ahead of  me, for I may not follow.
 Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much  leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins  with a .
broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest  before dawn.
 So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's  the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable.
 If you can't be  replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're  unique.
 Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the  water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 
 try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize  someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you  criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If  at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a  man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will  sit in boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and  never see that person again,
 it was probably worth it.

12. If you  tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days  you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems  normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double  your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your  pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is  like 'The Force.
 It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the  universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with  women.
 Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't  learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is  something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never  miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, 
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same  night.

274.

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
 
 When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
 he asked about using one of the pills.
 
The son said,
 I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.
 
"$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.

 
"I don't care," said Grandpa,
"I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
 
I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma."

275.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object,only to find a little old
Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab
asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only$150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me.
If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you
need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four
hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting
at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill.
Could you not find it?

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in
without a tie *

276.

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;

The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.

277.

Irish Priest-
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new 
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like
this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to
notify the next of kin."

278. AND GOD CREATED WOMAN

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.


Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.


Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth; ruined the whole damn thing

 

 

279. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

280. A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for some "rectum deodorant". The pharmacist, a little bemused, explained as nicely as he could to the woman that they don't sell "rectal deodorant"... and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde emphatically assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis for years and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, firmly, "We don't have any."

"But I always buy it here," the blonde insisted.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, indignatly. "I'll go home and get it! "

A few minutes later, she returned with the container and handed it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "Miss, this is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back & reads out loud from the deodorant container... "To Apply, Push Up Bottom!"

281. The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

282.

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says,
"In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says,
"In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, 
And proceeds to have sex with her, and says,
"In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says,
"Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
 
283

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

I've got a big problem doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is."
The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,

but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since
it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for "medium,

$14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die,

I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
Yeah," she replies, "when you die,

I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,

This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,

IT squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old
husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ..
Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder,

The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "

Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex ..

He could fly."

284.

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
 
 but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
The war-weary Marine asked,"Ma'am, may I have that seat?
 
" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
 
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
 
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour!
 
Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
 
" Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
 
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
 
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

285

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "
YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "
NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
DON'T MESS WITH OLD  FOLKS!

286.

TEN TIMES ITS NORMAL SIZE??????

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then
fire you!"

 
Mrs. Park s ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The
body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil
of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued.  "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 
287.  Cool Supermarket
A new supermarket opened near.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
 
288.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters.

The Englishman says, " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I
found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she
smokes."

The Scotsman says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as
I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says, "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I
was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."

 

289. Apartment For Rent

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

he spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

 

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat; and

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note...

 

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

290.

 An 89-year old man goes for a physical.
All tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight,
So he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
 Poof, the light goes on.
When I'm done, Poof, the light goes off.
 
'Wow, that's incredible', says the doctor.
 

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel', he says, 'George is doing fine'.
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of His relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and Poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
 Poof the light goes off?'
 

 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims.
 
'He's peeing in the fridge again!'.

 

291.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.  

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,


'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.  

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????

OH, Come on...take a guess!



YOU CAN'T KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE!!!!

292,

"The Blonde Thanksgiving Dinner"

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.
The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
 
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner,
but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
 
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
 
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still ???


Small but good Jokes:

“Would you care to join me in a bowl of soup?”
“Do you suppose there’ll be room for both of us?”
 
--
 
“What’s this kleptomania I’ve been hearing about? Is it catching?”
“No, it’s taking.”
 
--
 
Scientists say that exercise kills germs. But, what I wanna know is, how do you get the little buggers to exercise.
 
--
 
“Do you know my uncle is worth in the neighborhood of eighteen million dollars.”
“Wow! Now that’s my kind of neighborhood!”
 
--
 
My grandmother cured my grandfather of biting his nails. And just in case you wanna know how its done - she hid his false teeth.
 
--
 
Father, there was a man here today looking for you.
Did he have a bill?
No, he had a nose like you.
 
--
 
Noh can flying be safe, if they won’t let you fly first an pay later?
 
--
 
Hey, there is a beautiful trampoline performer moving into our building.
Oh yeah? What room is she in?
Rooms 4B and 5B.
 
--
 
When do kangaroos’ celebrate their birthdays?
During leap year.
 
--
 
Which shoes are made for lazy people?
Loafers.
 
--
 
What did the bee say to her nosy neighbor bee?
Mind your own bee’s nest.
 
--
 
What does a rhino do when he has a cold?
He blows his horn.
 
--
 
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
A horse doctor.
 
--
 
What do you call a playboy rabbit who dates a lot of girls?
A Playboy bunny.
 
--
 
Why did the spy call an exterminator?
He thought his room was full of bugs.
 
--
 
The TV commercials now days are getting bad.
Really bad.
For example, they now have a toothpaste commercial where the germs beat up the toothpaste.
 
--
 
There once was a race.
It had three entrants.
A honey bee, a bumble bee, and a vitamin B.
The race was a mile and a quarter.
The racecourse was almost a perfect circle.
Who won?
The vitamin B won of course.
 
--
 
Just think; if it wasn’t for Thomas Edison and his electric light bulb, we would be watching TV by candle light.
 
--
 
What do you do with your clothes when you wear them out?
You wear them back in again.
 
--
 
Sailor: It took us six weeks to paint this ship.
Landlubber: Why didn’t you just take a picture of it?

 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . .. .' My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress
and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient' s anterior chest wall. ' Big breaths,'. I
instructed. ' Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a '
massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. ' Which one ?'. . . I asked. ' The patch . . . The Nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. ' How long
have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered ....
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up
on a man I asked . .. .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very
good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. ..
. Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet
labeled 'KY Jelly'.
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered . . .It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that
her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .
. .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short note on the patient's dressing, which said ' Sorry . . ..had to mow the
lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name

8. As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when
performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I
looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you
? ' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .
.'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was .... ' I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

 
293. Will I Live to See 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I just turned seventy-three). 
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

294.

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

 

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

 

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

 

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

 

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

 

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

 

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)... in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

295.

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you", Maxine replies, "Alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" "No, they spread."

296. Medical examination..........While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady started taking off her panties..... Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

 

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